Laughlines.

How to get to heaven

"If sold my house and my car, had a big car boot sale and gave all my money to the church, would I get into Heaven?" the teacher asked her Sunday School class. "No!" the children all answered.
"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the grass, and kept everything neat and tidy, would I get into Heaven?" Again, the answer was, “No!" "Well", she continued, "then how can I get into Heaven?" A five-year-old boy shouted out, "You’ve got to be dead first!"

Printing Errors

The Spring Church Council Retreat will be hell - 11th May

The Senior Chair invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir

The Pastor is at present on vacation. Massages can be given to the church secretary in his absence

Signs seen outside churches . . .

This is a ch _ _ h. What is missing? (U R)

In the dark? Follow the Son.

Running low on faith? Stop in for a fill-up.

There was a very good attendance for the first church meeting and the Rector wondered whether the misprint on the agenda was responsible. It was the first item that might have attracted some. It said, ‘The meeting will be gin with prayer’.

A painter not particularly noted for his honesty decided to water down the paint but charge his customer for the full amount he should have used. Unfortunately for him, he carried the process to far with the result that the finished work looked so bad that even the most shortsighted client would notice it. In his despair he looked up to heaven and cried out “What can I do now?”

From the heavens a great voice boomed, “Repaint! And thin no more!”

Caller: ‘Hello, hello, is that the Rector? Good: I have to tell you that my little girl has just swallowed a 20p piece.’
Rector: ‘But why are you telling me?’
Caller: ‘My wife says you can get money out of anybody!’

Surely everyone knows why God made man before he made woman. It was because he didn’t want anyone standing behind him telling him how to do it.

The Rector was a notoriously bad driver and narrowly missed hitting the postman on the Rectory drive. He stopped and apologised. The postman claimed that in diving for cover he had damaged a leg and might want to claim compensation. The Rector gave him a visiting card so that he could get in touch with him later if he wished. However, as the clergyman sped away, the man’s anger was increased as he read the message on the card, for it said, The Rector is very sorry to have missed you, but hopes to make contact with you soon’.

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